Hindsight is 20/20

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Often times it takes getting out of a relationship to finally see clearly. In the beginning you feel so high off the "love drug" that your judgment is clouded from the smoke of passion.

It's inevitable that you will eventually crash and  have to face reality. Especially with two imperfect people attempting to do life together. Passion or chemistry won't sustain a relationship.

Here are 7 lessons that I've learned from my relationship now that I'm going through my period of detox.

1.There is no guarantee.

When you are dating, engaged or even married! I felt extra secure in my relationship,  like there was nothing we couldn't overcome. I never doubted  that we would go to that next step; it was just a matter of when. Even with the bumps along the way, it was OK all we had to do was just fix it! Right?!

Well! That was  easier said than done. Naturally, there are times in a relationship where you are not sure exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling.

You have to trust their word that you are both on the same page. There is such a level of vulnerability that comes with opening up your heart to someone.

 We don't even know what we want for lunch much less who we want to spend our life with or continue dating.

This unveiled to me that yes you should have trust in your significant other but my faith and plans for my life should be placed in God not man! Both people should be bringing your relationship before God. If we strive to make a relationship successful in our own strength we will fail.

 He is the only guarantee. 

2. Everybody's love story is different.

There is no magical formula for love. I've heard and seen them all. 

Exhibit #1- The couple in their 20s who met, started dating, got engaged and married all within a year's time.

Exhibit #2- The couple who dated for 8 years moved in together and one person decided that they no longer want to be in a relationship.
Exhibit #3- The couple in their 30s who dated between 2 to 4 years and took the next step and now have a successful marriage... or Not.
Exhibit#4- The couple who were high school sweethearts, married for 30-something years, then decided they want a divorce.
(These relationships also may include children)

  I'm sure you can think of more variety of couples. There is no rhyme or reason to relationships. You can do things the "right way" and it still doesn't turn out how you want it to.

At the end of the day a relationship involves two people but you can only be responsible for your actions.

It's OK if your love story doesn't look like your best friend's or sister's or mother's; as long as you end up with God’s Best!

Don't rush the process for the sake of title or time. It's better to want and not have, than to have and not want. When the right person comes along, it will all make sense and you will be so glad you waited.

3. If someone shows you who they really are believe them.

 It's so easy to talk yourself into staying in a relationship that you know have passed its expiration date. Why do we stay? We tend to think only of the good times and then sweep the not so good ones under the rug.

 Who the person shows you to be in their daily life is who they will be in their love life. You may not see it initially in your relationship but eventually it will start to overflow.

Do they have a stable job or living situation? If not, then they may start to display a lack of commitment to you. If they don’t have a vision then how do they know where you fit in God’s purpose for their life?

That person not managing their finances appropriately may result in them being a poor provider later on down the road. There are so many more things to be aware of, such as how they treat their family & friends,displaying responsibility & decision making skills etc. 

Never stay longer than you know you should. That’s the point of dating anyway, to see if that person is well suited for you. If not then let them go. Temporary pain, leads to long term gain.

4. Relationships take work, work, work, work, work!

 Intentionality is key in any relationship. It is easy to get comfortable and complacent. Guys: pursuing a girl is just as important during the relationship  as it is before.

Think about it this way, once you get your dream car  it's not going to run itself. You have to turn on the ignition, shift the gear, press down on the gas pedal, guide with the steering wheel and bring it to the mechanic for regular maintenance. You get my drift {pun intended}. 

Both people  need to be consistent with communication, honesty and making quality time for each other. 

One of the worse feelings in a relationship is holding it down on your own while your partner is digging their heels into the ground. Not cool.

 SN: If you are done with the relationship just say so respectfully. It's not fair to the other person. Mostly likely they can tell you checked out anyway. 

5. Don't do too much too soon.

 Pace yourself! Don't start talking about deep dark secrets, fears or the future until further along in your relationship. Build  first.

Even though these sound like obvious things to talk about when getting to know each other. It may cause more harm than good. You may feel that you already invested so much into the relationship, emotionally and or physically so you believe that it's too late to back out now.

You ever heard about emotional dependence, infatuation and awakening "love" prematurely? 

From my personal experience, we were exchanging "I Love You's" less than 6 months in. 

I don't doubt that I loved my Ex but I believe it was based on who I perceived him to be as opposed to reality. Once I realized that he may not be for me, I felt like I invested too much to discontinue what we had.

If we paced ourselves upfront, we would have realized sooner rather than later that we were not as compatible as we thought. 

In a relationship time is your best friend! If God identified his Best for you then you have the rest of your lives to get to know each other. No need to rush.

SN: I believe there are some exceptions to this. I know couples personally who started dating, got engaged and married in less than a year who have healthy relationships.

6. Don't ever compare yourself or be jealous of other couples.

You never know what couples are going through once they put their selfie sticks  away. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's important to protect your relationship so they may not be necessarily "faking it". Posting every argument or venting to certain people in your life will only open the door for disunity and even more conflict to creep in.

Social Media has it's benefits but it also has it's drawbacks as well.

 You never know what some people settle for in relationships to get likes. The same can be said  for the other way around.

You never know the battle that some couples had to fight to get their love to where it is today. Some women or men may be jealous of what the other person has but would be the first to leave when challenges arise.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Celebrate what God is doing in the lives of those around you(and on social media) and see what he does in yours!

7. Don't be too hard on yourself!!

  This can be said for two things:

#1. When you look back and realize you were in a relationship that you had no business being in in the first place. #2 When you had your not so proud moments in your relationship that wasn't the best reflection of your character.  

I'd be lying if I said I didn't judge my own decision making skills once everything was  done. What was I thinking?!

I came to the conclusion that our break up was inevitable. There was nothing else I could've said or done to stop it. You can do everything the "right way" in a relationship however if  that person is not God's Best for you (or you for them) it will never last no matter how hard you try.

We aren't perfect, including your Ex.If you know you messed up when you were together don't beat yourself up.

Rectify it by taking ownership for your part (even if it's 10%), apologize(If possible, I did!) and learn from those mistakes so that you don't take it into your next relationship.

Thank God for his limitless grace!

 What About You?

What are some lesson that you have learned from relationships?! 

I'd be the first to tell you that I'm no relationship guru. These are lessons I've learned through trial and error. Some of these I knew before, but it took me experiencing it to really open my eyes. I’m grateful for these lessons.

I can truly say that I am a stronger woman than I was 5 months ago. Walking through the process isn’t easy, but it’s helping me to grow!